The Pirates of Treasure Island (2006)

Dare you brave the high heas of the low-brow?

This movie has been referred to as a satire. To begin this review, rest assured that the only tongue-in-cheek here will be the one in your mouth as your teeth grind through the fleshy tendons in an effort to survive this wreck. Nay, in an effort to survive this ship-wreck. Break out the rum, matey; you're gonna need it. Seriously.

The Pirates of Treasure Island first washed up upon our shores in 2006, landing a spot on retailer and movie rental shelves right next to Disney's commercial success Pirates of the Caribbean. It's not a bad ploy, seeping up the run-off from blockbuster titles. I've read/heard numerous customer testimonies re-enforcing the effectiveness of this strategy. What to do if the movie your children actually wanted is rented or sold out? Was your appetite whet with buccaneering adventure and left you craving more? You're in luck, because this movie was made for suckers... er... people like you. Unfortunately, profitable association was about all this movie banked on. Virtually no thought was given to any aspect of the production, save perhaps the cinematographer who took great care to frame shots around the rack of actress Rebekah Kochan.

Everyone likes a good pirate adventure. Robert Louis Stevenson opened up a dangerous and exciting world to many a reader in their youth, myself included. Pirates of Treasure Island is loosely - extremely loosely - based on that book.  In fact, most of what has been preserved is in name only, particularly the characters of Jim Hawkins and Long John Silver. If this film had a script, it was a bastard born from a plot synopsis on the Treasure Island wikipedia page. It also benefitted from a five minute google search on actual swashbucklers, naming one of the main characters Anne Bonny, based upon the real and infamous companion of Calico Jack, a piece of research even mentioned in the film. Unfortunately the research ended there; Bonny's name is misspelled in the credits (Bonney), and something tells me that the factual pirate, whose creed was to "take no prisoners," didn't have a heart of gold underneath it all. Or wear this much make-up. This movie can only be chalked up to sheer laziness; instead of creating an original story, a pseudo-plot based on the writings of a famous author whose work is public domain = an easy substitute.

The basic storyline consists of a treasure map that falls into the possession of Jim Hawkins, who then assembles a crew to take him to the island and find it.  Jim, who knows the value of keeping his mouth shut, refuses to tell the captain what they are doing, but flashes the map around to any yahoo in a tavern who asks to see it.  Thanks to these tactics, the ill-fated voyage is staffed largely by pirates whom the cook (a.k.a. Long John Silver, who buried the treasure there in the first place) dug up and before you know it, there's a mutiny afoot. Luckily there are still a few good men onboard... mostly women.  They somehow managed to disguise themselves as cabin boys, seeing as it is bad luck for women to be on a voyage.  Anne Bonny sneaking aboard to help her wet-behind-the-ears love interest Jim is understandable, but the female Asian pirate who also stowed away seemingly has no motivation. She just did. It's also quite obvious she's a woman throughout the entire trip, and yet everyone is shocked to the core when her femininity is revealed. Her hot pink vest should've been a dead giveaway. That or her breasts. It's lucky Jim had these ladies too, as you can't retrieve a stolen treasure without breaking a few eggs and since most of his men will meet with a cruel fate, Jim still has a crew of pirate women and whores to help him sail back home.

Naturally, the movie culminates in an all out battle at the ancient Mayan (or is it Incan?) temple on the island where the treasure, previously buried, has now relocated for some inexplicable reason.  There is a final dramatic face off between the plucky Jim and the salty old pirate Long John.  Luckily Jim, who is rather resilient, manages to defeat Long John despite the pirate shooting him in the chest and Silver ends his own death spasms with some sage advice to Jim.  "Just remember this: it takes twenty-six muscles in your face to frown and only five to smile."

For the most part, the film is a typical, if poorly executed, adventure on the high seas in search of treasure. There are, however, a couple of WTF moments that rear their ugly chitinous heads during the movie. While embroiled in their pirate adventures, both the characters and audience are caught off guard when enormous CGI bugs attack.  For some reason they inhabit the island and (it turns out) are responsible for Long John's missing leg. The bugs may seem random and totally unrelated to the plot, but thanks to the DVD extras, these beetle villains are explained. The special effects artist showed the director some awesome digital bugs he'd created and they decided to throw them in. It stands to reason. You don't hire people who can make sweet CGI insects and let that skill go to waste.

The second moment is more difficult to ascertain, occurring right after the death of Long John. As the surviving characters rejoice in their victory, a skeletal figure (read: man with a skeleton face mask) pops out from behind the treasure and makes some idle threats before being shot. Seriously, WTF? It has no relation to the story and if there is some mysterious curse upon the bug temple, this is the first indication of such. The DVD commentary sheds no additional light as the moment is taken up instead by the director, producer and several actors engaging in a deep discussion of the women in the movie and their respective chests. In fact a good two-thirds of the commentary is focused on the actresses' anatomies.

Since we're already talking script, the film is riddled with trite lines that vacillate between modern anachronisms, exaggerated stereotypic "pirate-speak," and the downright ridiculous: "A little lightening scare ya? Benjamin Franklin says 'you've got nothing to fear unless you've got a rod sticking out yer ass.'"   It helps little that "the actors" spend most of their efforts on talking like pirates instead of actually acting.  Long John, or rather actor Lance Hendrikson playing Long John, cannot seem to decide exactly what nationality his character is and the famous Silver switches between an Irish, Scottish, and his native American accent, all peppered with the obligatory "arrgs" and "matey's." Captain Smollete and his two ladies-of-the-night, on the other hand, are reason enough for the nation of France to declare war, should they ever happen upon this collection of atrocious French accents. It's uncomfortable to listen to for non-native speakers; one can only imagine the horror with which real French-persons would view it.  The main problem is that every character on screen seems too keenly aware that they are making a period piece and need to act like they are in a period piece, utilizing over-the-top action and unnecessarily muddled language.

Obviously this film is a low-budget feature but with some carefully planning many of the monetary limitations could have been disguised.  Instead the attitude seems to be quick and dirty and what results looks like something you and your friends threw together one afternoon. The costumes are a mixture of cheap halloween store pieces and cast-offs from a high school drama production, filling the screen with chintzy felt pirate hats, kitschy velveteens, and bargain-basement gold trimmings. These are all served up without a speck of dirt or aging and in a range of styles that traverse 200 hundred years of piracy fashion. Some of the quirkier additions must be seen to be believed, like Blind Pew's glasses complete with eye drawn in... white-out?

And then there's the hair... those who weren't lucky enough to keep their present-day coifs are forced into terrible wigs. Terrible, terrible wigs that had no more than five minutes given to their cheap acrylic styling nor fit any of the actors heads correctly.

Friends, that's only the half of it. There are guns without bullets or muzzle flashes that kill using, it seems, sound effects alone; swords make any number of slicing and clanging sounds, even when simply being held. Locations are arbitrary or Treasure Island has one of the most bizarre eco-systems known and should be studied. At first glance the island looks positively transplanted from the Oregon coastline and a dash of northern California's redwoods, but once you move deeper inland you'll find it is filled with a dense and misty tropical jungle.

While all this parades past you onscreen, set to a exciting and stylish midi soundtrack, one of the biggest disparities in realism and continuity is the pirate ship. Every pirate has to have a ship and this movie gives you three. Maybe four. Whenever a close-up take place on the ship, it is painfully obvious that said ship is not moving through the water and is, in fact anchored in a harbor. No shot makes this more apparent than the final dramatic moment when the newly named Captain Jim and Anne stand dramatically at the wheel, sailing into the sunset. Jim spins the wheel, taking her out to sea, but alas! The ship seems completely unresponsive.

Perhaps it wouldn't have been a noticeable issue if all the sailing shots weren't stock footage. And worse, they're stock footage of several different ships, all utilized to make the good ship "Hispanola" sail. If that name doesn't sound familiar from the traditional Treasure Island story or like something a French captain would name his ship, it might be because the film crew happened to have some shots of a boat called "The Hispanola" and decided to run with it. The problem lies in the ships being markedly different, so much so that there are moments you're misled into thinking it's a different vessel. "Is this another ship full of pirates? How come they're also at the secret island? Wait... how come they have the same crew?" There are even points where the editor cuts from a shot of one ship to a completely different ship, without having the decency to hope the audience will forget they were just looking at a different craft. Presented below for your viewing pleasure are some of the many faces of the "Hispanola."

The Pirates of Treasure Island is bad. Really, honestly, awful. Perhaps what stings the most about this movie is that the filmmakers know its bad. Made and distributed by The Asylum Home Entertainment, the company has a history of putting out blatant rip-offs of the current blockbuster films. In what seems to be a Producer's-like scam, Asylum notoriously pumps out sure-to-tank films faster than you can say "hack job."  Unlike a classic bad movie like Manos: The Hands of Fate, there were no dreams or hopes for this film other than those of a financial nature. It's a dupe on the audience and the art of filmmaking. While Cinematic Casualty will doubtlessly encounter and review more Asylum films, condolences go out to all the independent filmmakers struggling find the capital to share their stories while slag like this is financed and churned out.

That said, The Pirates of Treasure Island is a rollicking good time when viewed with heckling friends and a bottle of rum in hand. It gets a 8 on the "So-Bad-You-Must-See-It-Immediately"Scale.