Take the premise for example: In uncertain times such as these, the U.S. needs better anti-terrorism weapons... what to do? How about alter the DNA of great whites to patrol our california coast and kill anti-American attackers. Yeah, that was my first thought too.
Luckily this movie helps us explore how much an error of judgement this would be. Particularly if we leave it to a bunch of government scientists who operate out of a reconditioned kindergarten room, as their butcher paper fish decor suggests. And the man in charge of these experiments? Actually there's an anxious curmudgeon of a dwarf named Lawrence van Allen who leads the project. In a movie where you'll be lucky to remember the genders of the two main characters, you'll know Lawrence van Allen because he throws his name around CONSTANTLY. Apparently telling people your name is equated with authority in the secret government project hierarchy. I will say that the "don't you know who I am?!?" calling card of Lawrence van Allen does (unintentionally or otherwise) smack a bit of Little Man's Disease.
Lawrence van Allen is second only to the ultra-American, psychotically patriotic, U.S. General with quintessential buzz-cut and cigar. You know, the kind who believe in preemptive strikes as a matter of duty and freedom? If ever there ever a character built on stereotypes, it's the General. This makes things easier for filmmaker and audience alike, however. By not having to flesh out a real character with depth, we can easily assess everything we need to know about the General. And you'll be right about all of it.
But let's face it. The stars of this film are an almost ensemble cast of People-Off-the-Street-Actors (POTSA). Two of my favorites are the badly dubbed skinny-dipping lovers. Okay, they don't skinny dip. They almost do, but just when you thought you'd get some skin, turns out they did bring their swimsuits, ha ha. That's okay because they do share a passionate, if brief, lip brush... The pseudo-kiss is a romantic first for both of these twenty-something year olds. Between the voice over and the acting, you get the impression they might both be mentally challenged. Their naivete and awkwardly lame personalities almost provoked enough sympathy for me to hope they'd get away from the awkward foam fin that "pursues" them at a remarkably pathetic clip along the lake shore (the modded sharkes have miraculously transitioned to freshwater, BTW). After all, no one wants to see the handicapped ruthlessly torn to bits by a marine killing machine. And then you remember, wasn't there a plot somewhere going on? Government scientists going rogue to stop their misused life's work and all that?
Don't worry. They do get away, thanks to another cameo character who looks as though he trowels the lakes searching for killer sharks to shoot at with his harpoon gun. And like the other two, and many one-hit-wonder bands from the 80's, he'll never show up again.
But that's nothing special either. You'll constantly ask yourself "Wait, who are you?" as yet another random person's story is thrown in all willy-nilly like. This film is an endless buffet of poorly acted characters who neither advance the plot, nor end up as fodder for the evil sharks. Which is unfortunate for a killer shark movie. In fact the whole thing is extremely tame. Maybe a bit of over-the-top gore would've sated the film critic in me, but no such luck. My 80-year-old grandma's maxi pads are bloodier than this film.
Perhaps they engineered the sharks to clean up after themselves too, since despite people being occasionally eaten neither grisly hide nor hair ever remains. Or perhaps they just swallow their victims whole. Either way, modifying the sharks to have rubber teeth was probably their smartest move. Sure, they still kill people, but I'd guess it's a more comfortable way to go. Regardless, all sorts of mayhem is implied to break loose when these sharks escape.
Honestly, all sorts. The main characters, scientists and now-divorced Marla and Nathan Collins keep talking about it. Thank god, since showing it might be too graphic for the children in the audience. Marla and Nathan have worked on this project for years, so much in fact, their marriage fell by the wayside. They also have a knack for turning on the radio when news coverage concerns the police hunt for them and using cellphones to hack government encrypted programs and steal back electronic control of deadly sharks. These two will take you on a wild ride as they piece together a plot for coastal domination the likes of which James Bond couldn't unravel. Luckily these two are smart. Really smart. We know this because Marla and Nathan keep telling each other how smart the other is.
"You're the smartest woman... human being I've ever known. It's what attracted me to you in the first place, Marla."
Seeing as I operate on an intelligence level far below them, it stands to reason that most of their decisions seem completely illogical. And clearly they know what they're doing, as everything works out amazingly in the end. Perhaps it might make more sense if I had the IQ to genetically modify sharks too.
Now after all their harrowing experiences, chasing computer geeks, running from the law, wrestling General Patton for control of his gun, ruefully stopping shark attacks, and even hallucinations involving visits from a heavenly spirit a la Angels in America, they realize they really do love each other and decide to get back together on the way to her Senate hearing.
But while everything seems to have worked out, gentle viewer, the terror may not be over. As Marla is questioned by a senator at the end of the film, tightly framed against a poorly hung american flag, she is asked whether something like this could happen again. "I don't know Senator... I just don't know."
Roll credits.
Spooky, right? I know, I know, the cover makes it almost look like it could be a decent B-flick. But it isn't. It's worse. It tries to be satirical but fails miserably. I hope you don't mind SPOILERS, because I'm about to throw some in here... like the fact that I just don't buy the ending, and not just because of all the poorly animated CGI sharks, or the CGI surface of the water (why is that even necessary?) Mostly, I have a hard time swallowing (no pun intended) that a great white, even one controlled from the back of a remote lab stashed in an old hostess truck, will gently carry a Russian briefcase nuke in its teeth for miles through the ocean.
But "Red Dog" does. Oh it does. Check it out for the explosive ending. Ha.
Blue Demon gets a solid 5 on the 1-10 "So Bad You Must See it Immediately" Scale.
Wow. Jaws ain't got nothin' on this baby!
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to more posts. Particularly ones about wishes and getting your head decapitated by a piano.