A Wishmaster(s) Trio: Part III

I'm not sure it's even fair to give a full review to Wishmaster III: Beyond the Gates of Hell (2001).  Why you ask?

For starters, the movie opens with a dream sequence involving a horrible car crash. Young Diana Collins and her parents are driving along, minding their own business, when the "DAD, LOOK OUT!" scene screeches into the movie.  A jack-knifed semi-truck is cutting off part of the road up ahead.  Dad panics and instead of swerving to the right, where the road is clear, makes a desperate swerve to the left, into the accident, and rolls their car multiple times,  Diana's unscathed father leaps miraculously from the sheet of metal that used to be a car, and helps Diana to safety before running back for her mother.  His timing couldn't be worse, however, and the car (as all Hollywood cars must) explodes in a fiery ball.   Mom and Dad both tragically burn to death.  

So sad.  And Diana has never been the same since  "the accident."  In fact, after being awakened by this nightmare she goes and sits on the roof, toying with the idea of jumping, much to the worry of Greg, her jealous boyfriend, who puts up with some serious quirks from Diana.  Apparently she's really hot (see previous Wishmaster review) despite her average features.

Anyway, Diana is the favorite T.A. of the university's history teacher, Professor Barash, who has a thing for college girls, badly bleached hair, and ancient artifacts.  In fact Barash just happened to commission a museum exhibition with, you guessed it, some Persian artifacts!  Naturally he wants Diana to check it out with him, much to the chagrin of Greg.  Unfortunately, the good Professor must have missed his own memo since she arrives and he doesn't bother to show up for another couple hours.  He's probably just busy correcting papers, or raping a campus co-ed.  Turns out, as the Djinn later drudges up, Barash can't always control his sexual impulses around all these attractive students.  Sometimes "no" just means "yes."

Meanwhile, you can't let a history buff like Diana alone in a room full of artifacts without some sort of mayhem, right?  And wouldn't you know she happens upon a very particular stone, happens to decode the secret message on the stone and also happens to open it's secret compartment containing... wait for it... a blood stone.  And a Djinn.   All in five minutes.  Any archeology team would be lucky to have her, if she wasn't so busy letting evil spirits loose.

Ignore the details, are any of the main points of this sounding vaguely familiar?  That's because Wishmaster III is a blatant rip-off of the same plot as the first Wishmaster.  Really, really blatant.  If the first one is bad, then what is does lousy carbon copy look like?  Search no further than this movie.  Oh sure, Diana is younger than our previous heroine, a nubile young college student.  But let's start keeping score here.  Professor Barash, asks her to dinner and is spurned, before becoming toast thanks to the Djinn she let loose.  Wait, didn't that exact thing happen to the Scientist-Schmuck?  And what about Diana's friend, who bears a strikingly similar personality and the same penchant for dressing like a hooker as Alexandra's sister from the first one? Apparently Djinn prefer woman with parents who go up in a blaze, since both main characters lost theirs in a fire.

And what is with these movies and the Djinn having to desperately track down their "Waker" anyway?  Somehow, by the time he shows up, the girl has taken off to who-knows-where, leaving the Djinn to Nancy Drew his way to where she resides.  This involves obtaining school or work records, hunting down former bosses and lapses in deductive logic.  If there's a more obtuse and indirect way to discover either of these women's residences, rest assured the Djinn will find it.  Have these Djinn never considered using a phone book or the school's directory?   You might argue that they're from another world/time period, but that's moot since the Djinn clearly know how to (and do) use cell phones.

Not to belabor the point, but this film is also rife with ridiculous wishes and wish-grantings.  I'm still angry about one girl in particular.  While running from the Djinn, she ducks into a science classroom and wishes she could find a place to hide.  Done!  Granting her wish, the Djinn forces her head into a cage filled with lab rats that start chewing on her face.  "No one will find you in there," he cackles.

Uh... what?  Am I the only one confused by the execution of this wish?
A) Since when do rats just chew peoples eyes and faces off, first of all.
B) A little cage in the middle of the science room does NOT a hiding place make.
C) The Djinn laughs about it, as thought he's clever.  What do you mean no one will find her in there?  Her head is in a animal cage in the middle of the room, with the rest of her body hanging outside it on the counter.  It's the first thing you WOULD notice upon entering.  And as if to prove my point, Diana and Greg do find her, about ten minutes later. My frustrations with this wish fulfillment are enormous.  If someone wished for a place to hide, I can think of a thousand horrible places to put them.  A cage that doesn't even remotely act as a hiding place is just sloppy and incredibly lazy.  My anger grows.  

I did get my hopes up for another wish however, when their friend the frat boy encounters and fights the Djinn. The Djinn demands that frat boy wish for something from him.  Frat boy responds "To blow me!"  For a split second, you hope the franchise just might take it up a notch in bad taste and feature a Djinn blow job.  But no, the creature just gores him on a hanging bull's head on the wall instead.  Or in another erotic moment in which a character behaves as though bleached-hair-homely-joe is sex-on-a-stick, there's the girl who wishes her heart broken by Professor Barash (actually the Djinn in disguise).  You can guess what a wish like that might result in.  And don't get me started on the girl who wishes to be thin and so he gives her "anorexia."  Clearly these Djinn are not medical experts as another misconstrued diagnosis occurs.  The girl spends her last moments vomiting her own fat chunks up.  Apart from being disgusting, it still rankles me that we're supposed to equate that with anorexia.  Not bulimia, or some internal liposuction, but anorexia.  It doesn't last long however, because Diana falls for the same old "Do you want me to release her from her pain?" trick only to be totally shocked when the Djinn kills the girl.  God, wishes are so overrated.

In fairness, there are some differences between the two films.  Like the smoking.  While the first film maintained a constant smokey haze, this movie eschews all the ciggies for something more conventional.  Like boobs.  Lots and lots of boobs.

I'm not sure if this movie was meant to rope in a new generation, seeing as the first was only released four years earlier, but it looks as though they tried to bring in slasher conventions to get the teenagers who sneak into these sorts of movies all excited.  All the women take off their tops at some point or another, because hey! This is a college town, and college girls are craaaazy!!  Or more likely the director was just a perv, and enjoyed seeing his entire female cast naked.  Which reminds me.  I didn't mention how Professor Barash dies, did I? Without spoiling it, I'll tell you this much:  it involves topless belly dancers and sharp teeth.

The Djinn is played by a different actor this time around.  We lose the creepy voice and instead we get someone a little more manic with a high pitched voice, and less... um subtlety?  It's wrong that I could even call the first incarnation subtle compared to this, but there you have it.  He even has a new monster suit, complete with the hottest trend in monster prosthetics, a pair of giant shoulder thorns.  They really are the new shoulder pad.

Diana does make use of one of her wishes, thanks to the obligatory research scene.  Facing down the Djinn, she decides to wish for the spirit of the Archangel Michael to come help her.  No offense, but I find it hard to believe that Diana's intelligence quotient would allow her to come up with that option in a high pressure situation.  Especially since her first wish was releasing the girl's pain.  I'll tell you, it wouldn't have been my first thought, and I consider myself brighter than Diana, but she's all over it.  Let's also not mention how lucky it is that the Djinn's guard is down and he doesn't see fit to twist this wish at all.  She gets exactly what she wants, the spirit of Michael, all contained in her boyfriend Greg's body.

It might have even been a good wish if Michael weren't totally and utterly useless.  Apart from being one  of the dullest things to hit the earth, he's also condescending and a complete sexist.  I didn't realize Michael had such disdain for the fairer sex, as he occasionally adds "... for a woman" to his speeches on how hopeless the situation is.  Stop being a douche and have a little faith man.  You're an archangel for God's sake!  Luckily Michael, or Greg-Michael as it were, has a really bad ass sword that he must have dug up from one of those weird little oriental stores in the mall that sell all sorts of low grade weapon reproductions and bamboo plants.

Diana is on a mission now, ready to kill the Djinn however she can, and as she tells her friends, help her or get out of her way.  Since most of them run aimlessly around campus and then die, I suppose they chose the latter.  Anyway, I do need to mention that none of these characters are appealing in this movie.  None.  They are not relatable; they are completely shallow, and their logic fluctuates to huge degrees.  Luckily they all behave as if the shoddy writing really gives them concrete rules for defeating this Djinn, despite the fact that the contrived rules are constantly broken on the whim of any production staff member.

How does it end, you might ask?  By fleshing out the foreshadowing from the beginning.  Foreshadowing plays a major role in this film, and you know these clever filmmakers were laying the tracks for this ending from the get-go.  Like the family car crash and that scene later when Greg-Michael and Diana flee from the Djinn by car only to crash in huge fiery explosion (obviously).  That whole scene at the opening about jumping off the roof... total foreshadowing.   Diana attempts to kill herself to avoid a third wish by jumping off the building.  It doesn't work, but total clever foreshadowing.  In the end, Diana does manage to stab the Djinn with the sword, resulting in blue pyrotechnics and scorched grass.  Oh, and Diana falling off the building and to her death.  It's like a big circle.  See how that works? Clever.

Poor dead Diana.  If only something could bring her back, like the tear of an Archangel.  What?  We just happen to have one of those present?  Well bring it on!  And so Greg-Michael does.  After flying off the roof.  Wait, he could fly this entire time and never did?  In all their running, escaping and exploits against the Djinn, you didn't think that might come in handy?  Worthless, Michael.  You're totally worthless.

Wishmaster wasn't exactly brilliant.  But it does start to look that way next to the dumbed down,  erotically awkward and atrocious writing of it's bastard brother Wishmaster III...

I give it a 6 on the "So-Bad-You-Must-See-It-Immediately"Scale.

Part IV Coming soon... Stay tuned!!

A Wishmaster(s) Trio: Part I

A movie riddled with plot holes and blatantly ignored rules?  Your wish is my command.

This weekend presented an opportunity I couldn't pass up... or miss subjecting friends to.  OnDemand happened to have the Wishmaster series of films available for viewing.  Now I love campy horror and this promised to be exactly that.  We started with the first and were so unimpressed, we couldn't help but wish for more.  Unfortunately, only movies I, III, and IV were available.  I'm not sure why II didn't make the grade, but we'll forgo it for the moment, to review these three.  And don't worry, I'll be sure to add the second, should I dig it up to watch.

Let's start with the first, Wes Craven presents (but neither writes nor directs) Wishmaster (1997).  Everyone knows the stories about wishes gone bad.  I realized from a grade school age, after reading stories like The Monkey's Paw, that a plan of of action was definitely required should a genie, or severed hand, ever show up to grant me my wishes.  Liberal interpretations are a given when dealing with magical beings, and in the event I was offered such a gift, I'd be sure to have my lawyers on call, writing an enormous contract detailing the exact specificities of my wish, and how it was to be administered, negating potential health risks and negative side effects to me or anyone else.  I mean, isn't it just obvious?  These things should be done with care.


Wishmaster is a fantastic account of what happens when stupid people are given the opportunity to have anything they want.  And it does sport a great opening, as a Persian kingdom is laid to waste by the king's wishes.  You can't help but wonder what he wished, as his subjects are violently turned into trees, crocodile-snake hybrids, or have their flesh melt off and their stop-motion skeleton jump out to attack other hapless people.  How can you say no to a fat man's intestine's bursting from his stomach, growing a face and chewing on a random woman?  The film was made in the late 90's, and it harkens to a time when foam latex make-up effects were scary; a simpler time before the era of torture-porn and really decent digital special effects.

Back to the wish, we never find out, because the Djinn (which are basically evil scary genies... or as EVERY Wishmaster movie will tell you, creatures that dwell between worlds) gets locked in a gem stone, or rather, a blood stone.  I know, this flies in the face of all those genie-in-a-lamp/bottle myths you've heard, but folks, this is the way it works.  Trust the movie.  Flash forward to present day (a.k.a. 1997) in which a museum collector is waiting for his Persian statue to arrive.  You can guess where this is going, can't you?   There's an accident, someone finds the gem, he sells it, etc, etc, until one thing leads to another and our deeply troubled heroine, Alexandra Amberson (how's that for a name?) makes an appearance, when she's asked to appraise the stone.

Now, you might think a gemologist would handle it carefully and look at the chemical make-up of this ridiculously large gem, but no.  She flies on instinct here, and instead she blows on it then rubs in on her sweater.  I'm not sure which is necessary for waking the Djinn (particularly since in the later films he seems to awaken just by someone touching the thing), but rest assured you need either blow the Djinn, or rub it on your sweater.  Right.

If you have your own Djinn problems, allow me to post the blood stone recipe from the film here.  Note it also helps to keep your ingredients in celtic boxes or containers made from human skulls.

Simple Blood Stone Recipe

  1 Dash paprika

  2 Pinches of cinnamon

  1 Sundried tomato

  4 oz. of human blood or Kool-Aid

Place ingredients in pestle and mortar; grind with love.  Heat mixture until the consistency of molten metal, pour into a quartz rock.  Voila! Your very own bloodstone, perfect for containing one (1) evil creature.  

Warning: The stone is a door between worlds and may be opened from either side.  Horrific and absurd supernatural mayhem likely.

Perhaps it's just as well since, had Alexandra investigated the make-up of the gem, she'd realize it wasn't rock at all but human blood, like a really big scab.  And not only would that be creepy, she also might be dead right now.  Luckily Alexandra sends it over to her desperate bestie to take a look.  He says yes, cuz he's a scientist-schmuck, and wants into her pants.  Instead, the the rock explodes, releasing a larval-Djinn who, thanks to Scientist-Schmuck's wish to "end the pain" steals his life force.

For clarification purposes, let's get the rules of the Djinn straight here:

1. The Djinn only has as much power as people wish for things.  They have to wish for him to be able to do anything.  Unless it's inconvenient to the plot.
2. The Djinn can cut off and steal faces (thanks to their swiss-army fingernails) to look like anyone.  Even your homeroom teacher.  Remember that F she gave you on your history paper and then imprisoned you inside a giant ruby?  It might have been a Djinn.
3.  The Djinn must grant three wishes to the person who awoke him (hereafter referred to as "The Waker").  Upon the third wish, he can open a gateway for his fellow Djinn who will pour through and destroy the world.
4.  God created these creatures, "from the fire," apparently for no real purpose except to lurk around, waiting to get to Earth and have humanity wish themselves into bloody oblivion.  That's right.  Your God created these jokers.
5.  The Djinn get to freely interpret the wishes of a person wishing, even if their interpretations are big stretches, sometimes to the point of not making sense.  Oh, and usually these have negative consequences.

After watching stupid people making many stupid wishes, wishes which are compounded in stupidity by the Djinn's fulfillment, I realized there's a serious problem with the system out there.  These Djinn get to run around granting wishes, and aren't beholden to anyone.  There's no cosmic checks and balances, and as such, the nasty actualities are pretty far removed from what the person asked for.  For example, a homeless man wishes for the death of a local pharmacist.  After a prompting from the Djinn to explore the reaches of his imagination for the details of the demise, he creatively adds, "... to get cancer and die."  BAM! Granted.  Apparently Djinn-cancer is much worse than human-cancer since the pharmacist immediately goes sallow, followed by boiling skin and vomiting up toothpaste and falling dead in the space of 15 seconds.  Since when were these symptoms of cancer?

In another unlikely granting, a bouncer at the party tells the Djinn he wishes he could escape.  And bam!  Bouncer is now trapped in a strait jacket, submerged in a tank of water.  The Djinn adds that "Houdini did it in two minutes!"  Oh ha ha, how clever.  Wait.  Didn't he wish to escape?  Not be trapped in a magic trick and drown.  Talk about wide interpretation...  Even more, the Djinn starts bringing statues to life, strangling people with piano wire and trapping people in burning paintings, all under a blanket wish for a man's party "to be remembered."  Oh it's remembered, but what exactly are the statutes of limitation on such a wish?  Till the Djinn gets bored mutilating the guests?  It's a pretty vague request.  And this brings my point home.   Perhaps that's one of the major reasons this movie bugs me.  It tries to be clever and instead comes across ridiculous and nonsensical.

I feel we need some sort of oversight committee who can address and set the standard for wish fulfilling.  I strongly urge you to write your congressmen and senators, asking for new laws to control free interpretations of wishes and some sort of organization who will hold the Djinn responsible for falsely granting wishes.  I propose the Veracity & Adjudication of Genies (V.A.G.) Committee, or something like that.  It really is in everyone's best interest.  This way, those killed by their own malicious wish will rest assured that it was their own fault for lack of planning and not because some Djinn hadn't really thought through the twisting of the wish.

Can I take a moment to point out that it doesn't take a very bright bulb to see that wishing for "the pain to go away" will result in your death?  And yet people continually ask for it.  Honestly.  What's worse, is many of these people are totally lulled by the Djinn's arguments to reveal their deepest desires to him - which is usually right after they've seen him in his true form as a horrific creature, or in his almost creepier registered-sex-offender human form.  The human form is usually doing something weird, like crashing an exclusive party, or demanding security guards open the doors to a corporate building at 2:00 am.  But with minimal persuasion, they totally open up to the Djinn, and naturally suffer for it.  Even more perplexing is that women seem to find his human form really sexy.

This becomes a theme in the Wishmaster movies, where terribly unattractive people are somehow viewed as sex bombs, when no one even wished for it.  It's like being in a parallel dimension, where the filmmakers keep trying to remind us that these actors are hot stuff when they obviously aren't...

 I mean look, could you resist a face like this?  Yeah, me too.

But that's not the only thing they're trying to pass off.  As you're watching this movie, you might notice an oddly universal character trait.  Everyone in this film, and I do mean everyone, smokes.  Everyone.  Even the creature, older than time with infinite power, lights up.  There might be subtext here: Wishes, and smoking, will kill you.  But upon closer inspection, you'll realize that the smoking is really to create atmosphere, and acts as a stand-in for actual, you know... acting.   This is a dark moody scene - let's have him smoke.  Alright, time to look pensive, better have a smoke.  Stare deep into the fire, remembering the accident, and smoke.  Got to formulate a plan to stop the Djinn! I'll think about it and have a smoke.

Overall, it wasn't the worst of the series, but it certainly wasn't the best.  I have to admit that I watched a couple of behind the scenes moments, where the director copped to pretty much making decisions on the fly...  and I'm not terribly surprised.  It's pretty scattered and the holes in the plot stare you down.  But the cardinal sin in my book (and in most horror films) is when the characters make unbelievably bad decisions.  Not decisions in moments of panic, but really hit-yourself-in-the-face kind of decisions, just to further the splatter, gore and scares.  What does Alexandra think is going to happen when she wishes to know fully what the Djinn is?  A history lesson?  Stupid.

This movie does seem to have a cult following, and for that I'm sorry.  It was totally ridiculous, but at the same time, a bit of an ego boost.  You'll constantly ask yourself "Is that the best they could come up with?"  And with a sense of satisfaction, you'll know that you could definitely do better.  Definitely.

I give it a 4 on the "So-Bad-You-Must See-It-Immediately" Scale.

Stay tuned for Parts III and IV.

Blue Demon (2004)

Because nothing fixes a marriage like a genetically-altered Great White shark.  

Ever since Jaws, the killer shark theme has been added to the annuls of the thriller/horror genre.  It has also been countlessly replicated and rarely well.  Blue Demon is no exception.  In fact it excels at making terrible decisions out the gate.

Take the premise for example:  In uncertain times such as these, the U.S. needs better anti-terrorism weapons... what to do?  How about alter the DNA of great whites to patrol our california coast and kill anti-American attackers.  Yeah, that was my first thought too.

Luckily this movie helps us explore how much an error of judgement this would be.  Particularly if we leave it to a bunch of government scientists who operate out of a reconditioned kindergarten room, as their butcher paper fish decor suggests.  And the man in charge of these experiments?  Actually there's an anxious curmudgeon of a dwarf named Lawrence van Allen who leads the project.  In a movie where you'll be lucky to remember the genders of the two main characters, you'll know Lawrence van Allen because he throws his name around CONSTANTLY.  Apparently telling people your name is equated with authority in the secret government project hierarchy.  I will say that the "don't you know who I am?!?" calling card of Lawrence van Allen does (unintentionally or otherwise) smack a bit of Little Man's Disease.

Lawrence van Allen is second only to the ultra-American, psychotically patriotic, U.S. General with quintessential buzz-cut and cigar.  You know, the kind who believe in preemptive strikes as a matter of duty and freedom?  If ever there ever a character built on stereotypes, it's the General.  This makes things easier for filmmaker and audience alike, however.  By not having to flesh out a real character with depth, we can easily assess everything we need to know about the General.  And you'll be right about all of it.

But let's face it.  The stars of this film are an almost ensemble cast of People-Off-the-Street-Actors (POTSA).  Two of my favorites are the badly dubbed skinny-dipping lovers.  Okay, they don't skinny dip.  They almost do, but just when you thought you'd get some skin, turns out they did bring their swimsuits, ha ha.  That's okay because they do share a passionate, if brief, lip brush... The pseudo-kiss is a romantic first for both of these twenty-something year olds.  Between the voice over and the acting, you get the impression they might both be mentally challenged.  Their naivete and awkwardly lame personalities almost provoked enough sympathy for me to hope they'd get away from the awkward foam fin that "pursues" them at a remarkably pathetic clip along the lake shore (the modded sharkes have miraculously transitioned to freshwater, BTW).  After all, no one wants to see the handicapped ruthlessly torn to bits by a marine killing machine.  And then you remember, wasn't there a plot somewhere going on?  Government scientists going rogue to stop their misused life's work and all that?

Don't worry.  They do get away, thanks to another cameo character who looks as though he trowels the lakes searching for killer sharks to shoot at with his harpoon gun.  And like the other two, and many one-hit-wonder bands from the 80's, he'll never show up again.

But that's nothing special either.  You'll constantly ask yourself "Wait, who are you?" as yet another random person's story is thrown in all willy-nilly like.  This film is an endless buffet of poorly acted characters who neither advance the plot, nor end up as fodder for the evil sharks.  Which is unfortunate for a killer shark movie. In fact the whole thing is extremely tame.  Maybe a bit of over-the-top gore would've sated the film critic in me, but no such luck.  My 80-year-old grandma's maxi pads are bloodier than this film.

Perhaps they engineered the sharks to clean up after themselves too, since despite people being occasionally eaten neither grisly hide nor hair ever remains.  Or perhaps they just swallow their victims whole.  Either way, modifying the sharks to have rubber teeth was probably their smartest move.  Sure, they still kill people, but I'd guess it's a more comfortable way to go.   Regardless, all sorts of mayhem is implied to break loose when these sharks escape.

Honestly, all sorts.  The main characters, scientists and now-divorced Marla and Nathan Collins keep talking about it.  Thank god, since showing it might be too graphic for the children in the audience.  Marla and Nathan have worked on this project for years, so much in fact, their marriage fell by the wayside.  They also have a knack for turning on the radio when news coverage concerns the police hunt for them and using cellphones to hack government encrypted programs and steal back electronic control of deadly sharks.  These two will take you on a wild ride as they piece together a plot for coastal domination the likes of which James Bond couldn't unravel.  Luckily these two are smart.  Really smart.  We know this because Marla and Nathan keep telling each other how smart the other is.

"You're the smartest woman... human being I've ever known.  It's what attracted me to you in the first place, Marla."

Seeing as I operate on an intelligence level far below them, it stands to reason that most of their decisions seem completely illogical.  And clearly they know what they're doing, as everything works out amazingly in the end.  Perhaps it might make more sense if I had the IQ to genetically modify sharks too.

Now after all their harrowing experiences, chasing computer geeks, running from the law, wrestling General Patton for control of his gun, ruefully stopping shark attacks, and even hallucinations involving visits from a heavenly spirit a la Angels in America, they realize they really do love each other and decide to get back together on the way to her Senate hearing.

But while everything seems to have worked out, gentle viewer, the terror may not be over.  As Marla is questioned by a senator at the end of the film, tightly framed against a poorly hung american flag, she is asked whether something like this could happen again.  "I don't know Senator... I just don't know."

Roll credits.

Spooky, right?  I know, I know, the cover makes it almost look like it could be a decent B-flick.  But it isn't.  It's worse.  It tries to be satirical but fails miserably.   I hope you don't mind SPOILERS, because I'm about to throw some in here... like the fact that I just don't buy the ending, and not just because of all the poorly animated CGI sharks, or the CGI surface of the water (why is that even necessary?)  Mostly, I have a hard time swallowing (no pun intended) that a great white, even one controlled from the back of a remote lab stashed in an old hostess truck, will gently carry a Russian briefcase nuke in its teeth for miles through the ocean.

But "Red Dog" does.  Oh it does.  Check it out for the explosive ending.  Ha.

Blue Demon gets a solid 5 on the 1-10 "So Bad You Must See it Immediately" Scale.

So One Day...

A couple of friends and I were just sitting there, and the idea struck me: what if we were to watch some really bad movies?  In fact what if we were to take it to the next level and watch several bad movies in one evening?  We could provide our own commentary on the films in an attempt to minimize the discomfort, which would be funny.  More importantly, we could share the suffering.

Misery loves company.  Particularly if it's the author of your favorite literary heroine.

And what if we made this film experience a contest?  Each of us could bring a shitty movie in hopes of wreaking emotional havoc upon the others - isn't that what friendship is all about?  Of course this means wading through a whole lotta awful to find something truly horrifying, but we think it's worth it for that moment in which one of your close friends asks for a blunt object to gouge out their eyes.  

Bad Movie Night (BMN) was born.  And through the years I have seen my share of films that make me want to hurt myself.  Occasionally I've experienced the glory that comes from winning said contest.  Overall it's been very fulfilling.

Until two days ago.  I sat down, to see what was on the telly, and a vision opened itself up to me, in the form of Blue Demon.  I began watching the movie, transfixed at just how bad it was, and no one to share it with.  Suddenly, I knew.  As surely as if baby Jesus himself had sat up in the manger and spit up all over my face.  Bad Movie Night was bigger than just me.  It was bigger than my friends.

BMN was big enough for the online-a-verse.

And thus it came to pass, that an Angel of the Lord, with a visage like that of Ed Wood, came unto me.  He proclaimed that I must go forth and write a compendium of reviews and personal attacks on all the trash Hollywood dished up (aside from Paris or Lindsay).

And so my friends, I present to you all the cinematic casualties I can muster.